a look back

ahh...summer 2009. How I am going to miss you. =) I know a lot of people are complaining about how shitty our summer was, what with the rain, and the mosquitoes, and the rain, and the mosquitoes...oh and did I mention the rain? But to me..this summer was FULL of potential.
*sigh let's start at the beginning: Summer for me started in the end of April/beginning of May OR wedding social season! Those were the days where I was FINALLY coming out of my pathetic, depressing, sad excuse of a slump and it would be me and Jonio and Warren and Faith and we'd drink and drink and drink. THOSE were the days! It was the start of our six week run. I know what you're thinking, six weeks of drinking EVERY DAY sounds like a lot. But we had fun. (Oh did we ever have fun!) Then our drinking circle got bigger and we migrated outside where we could bbq and make bon fires and just be young and not care about work the next day or any of the responsiblities that real life has to offer.

Meh..in short..I did a lot of drinking this summer! =D But I also did a lot of growing. Growing up, but especially growing out of YOU! And even though I am bigger and better and stronger and happier where I am without you in my life...I will always look back on our time together AND our time apart with shame and sadness. I used to be a person who loved with thier whole heart, but you took that person from me. I am no longer that person. I did what I had to do to get to where I am right now and I make no apologies for any of it, but I will always look back and be saddend by the fact that I will never be able to feel for another person as completely as I used to feel b/c of what you took from me.

HOWEVER as cyncial and sadistic and angry and dark as I am now, there is still the blissfully happy, energenic, postive person that you see before you. And I can now look in the mirror and smile a REAL smile b/c I'm happy with the person staring back at me. PLUS, I have wonderfully funny and caring friends, I have a job that...I'm not going to say I LOVE, but that I'm reallly good at, it pays me fairly decent, I have good benefits, I enjoy all the people I work with, I have a great boss who adores me, and I have no fear of getting laid off like so many other people have suffered from in the recent history. And on top of all this I have a boy who makes me smile from time to time.

What else did I learn about myself this summer? Well, Kim says I'm "jaded". We had to look that up btw...and in a nutshell it means that I've seen it all, and experienced it all, and therefore have no real feelings about what relationships and life have to offer. Well, not that I don't have any REAAALL feelings but just that I'm indifferent about a lot of things now. Annnndddd I guess it's partly true. I mean, everything happens for a reason, what's done is done and there is no sense in dwelling on what might have been, or what could have happened if you were just a little more patient, or a little more understanding, or if things had gone this way instead of the way they actually did. The important thing, I've learned, is to realize your mistakes, learn from them, and move on. I can't stress that last part enough....MOOOOOVEEE ONNNNN. You only get one chance at this crazy game called Life, so make sure you make it count. And by making it count, I mean doing what's right by YOU. Who cares what everyone else may think about how you deal or cope with your shitty days (we alllll have them), and who cares about what society (0r your parents) may think about how you should live your life, or what you should do now that you're at a certain age, the bottom line..it's YOUR life. Nobody elses. Nobody is ever going to walk in your shoes, they're never going to know how it feels to live in your skin. God gave you shoes that fit YOU and only YOU, so don't ever let anyone dictate to you what makes you happy.

wow...listen to me go! hahaha

Ok, so it is now almost fall and in retrospect, the Jayne that I was a year ago compared to the Jayne I am now......I really have no words. Just to give a big shout out to the big guy upstairs who, even though I don't call on You as often as I should, this whole year has taught me that I need to have more faith in the plan you have for me. Cuz now that I look back, what was I so worked up about? Things have a way of working themselves out in the end. I just have to stay strong, keep breathing, keeping moving forward and eventually it'll happen.

The last thing that I learned this summer... as much as I believe that we were not put on this earth to live all those shitty days and all those hardships alone, I mean, I truly believe that it is in our human nature to find someone who we love and who loves us back and hopefully one day make a home and a family, etc etc. BUT...I have learned that at the end of the day...the only person I can really count on, is ME. B/c ME is the most important person in my life, and if I can't live with myself and my decisions, then who the heck can I expect anybody else to.

So...CHEERS to a wonderful summer! I'm going to miss you! But this great summer has given me high hopes for a great 2009 holiday season! (My favorite time of year!)

Look how happy I am.
Isn't it gross??

=)

oops!

I apologize for all my spelling and grammer mistakes with the previous blog but I'm at work and updating on my phone, which is a bit of a challenge.

=)

at work

It is no secret that I am not a morning person. I've been waking up early lately cuz of work and even I can tell how much it's affected my mood. Boo!!

This summer is turning out to be pretty good..besided the weather. Althought I must say how surprised I am how things have changed so fast. I don't know what it is..it's more of a feeling I have where things just aren't the same. I'm probably just being paranoid..but never the less, I still can't shake the feeling that she's still mad at me, and this is why we don't speak as often anymore. Or maybe it's cuz (even thought I already apologized) I still haven't forgiven myself).

Anyways, yesterday I want to see Harry Potter with my sis, Nando, Joshie, and Jonio. It was really good (long, but good). The movie didn't start on time, so we all got movie vouchers for a free movie! My sister and I are going to use them to see The Ugly Truth on Sunday. :) We have a date! Lol But that's not what I wanted to share about yesterday..so..my dad did an oil change for us on Saturday. My sis drove the car allll weeekend, and then started to notice that there was a funny noise coming from what sounded like the inside of the engine.t But the car was driving fine. I even called over Brad (who It ALWAYS run to when I have car troubles) and he said he didn't know what the sound was, and we'll have it checked out and in the mean time I can still drive it b/c it was driving fine besides the noise. Sooo..yesterday rolls around and on our way back from my aunts house after seeing the movie, my sister and I had to pull over on Sheppard cuz the noise was much much worse!! Wanna know what the problems was?? My dad REMOVED the front passenger wheel and didn't tighten the bolts when he put it back on. Thank God the wheel didn't fly off while we were driving..Shayne said we were extremely lucky since the wheel was practically falling off when he came to look at it. But seriously, dad? Why would you even remove the wheel if you're just changing the oil?!?! I'm just glad it didn't cost us anything to fix.

I'm sooo bored at work! I can't wait til this evening so I can get drunk!! I feel like this week was super long and I really need to unwind.

*sigh..Jayne needs a man people. A good man, preferably older..I'd go as old as 35..old guys are HOT! Who has a job that makes him happy, who can cook, who dresses well, and who has good morales. He also needs to be able to cook well, b/c let's face it the way to MY heart is through my stomach. And he should be funny, and sarcastic like myself. How come guys can't be like guys on tv? My sis and I were watching Grey's Anatomy last night which is where all of this day dreaming of my McDreamy is coming from.
Ok..that's enough rambling for one day. I guess I should do some work..ta-ta!!

Twas a grand weekend.

It's been awhile since I updated...I blog when I have nothing else to do, and lately life's been kinda busy...but yet still surprisinly boring. Anyways..I went camping this weekend to Rushing River out in Onatrio. I've never been before but FUCK it was a good time. Wins' bro Mikey and his fam are so funny! Especially the chidren. Madison actually yelled the phrase: "OH MY GOD! Where are all the guns?!" She was referring to water guns, but never the less...still pretty trippy. I cut my foot on the rocks tho, as we were thru the water and down onto the rapids (or where the river is rushing..hence the name: Rushing River...heh? heh? *nudges elbow*), I also: freaked out when I saw the HUGEST spider in my tent. One of the twins came over and consoled me. I ate hashbrowns deep fried in bacon fat that was so amazing!! I slipped and fell off the dock and into the water, I got dirty, WET underwear in the face b/c Winston is a bully and needed his revenge after the water fight. I got pushed into the water b/c Winston is a bully and needed his revegne AGAIN! I got attacked by a bug that almost made me fall in the fire pit! and..yeah! There were a lot of things that happened to me this weekend, and some of them aren't that pleasant...but it was still super fun and I can't wait to go next year!

My sister is now unemployed. She got laid off about a month ago. I thought it would make things harder at home cuz she tends to be more cranky when she has nothing else to do, but she's proving to be an excellent house-wife to me! hahahaha! Just Kidding! But it's been nice to come home and have everything clean and dinner almost ready. hahaha

I just read James Patterson's "Sunday's at Tiffanys". It was really interesting..but I'm still not quite sure if I like it that much. I need new reading material. OR a summer reading list! What should I start with?

Also, I've gotten so much sun in the past two weeks I look fucking ridiculous! I have ugly tan lines, and my face is dark, and my arms don't match and my nose is red...but as much as I complain I'm still happy cuz it's the price I pay for a good weekend. I don't want to downplay how funny I look right now, if you saw my tan lines you'd know. Today when we were at the beach and was wearing my bathing suite, it almost looked like I was wearing another bathing suit underneath because my skin is so uneven! haha

Did you know that this is the first Harry Potter movie where I haven't seen it opening day? I'm so ashamed!

OK...so I talked about my weekend, my sister, what I just finished reading, and now my tan lines, Harry Potter....what should I mention next?

hmmm...let's see. Lately I've been feeling a little down at myself with how I'm handling a certain situation...ooooorrrrrrr let's just say that my love life is too complicated. I liked when things were un-complicated. Where I was so blissfully un-aware and I only had to concentrate on me. I am annoyed at myself for not being the kind of person I want to be. The kind of person who doesn't really care about other peoples feelings. Ugh! But I'm not this kind of person, b/c I think that I will always put others peoples needs before my own which pleases everyone but me. I really wish I were the type to be selfish. BAH! I'm rambling b/c I don't really know what I want. I just know that I like being single. I don't think that I'm playing this "single card" as well as I play the "girlfriend card" but WHATEVS! Live and learn and try not to make the same mistakes twice.


ok..here's my secret of the day. I like to blog after I smoke up sometimes. When I re-read what I wrote I think "what the heck am I talking about?" and it makes for a good laugh.

ttfn!

Karma is no joke.

I'm not gonna say what I did to deserve this...but lets just say I told a little white lie, even though I knew it was wrong...I did it anyway for personal gain. Anyways...wanna know what happend to me yesterday? I had fully decided to spend Friday night indoors, I was going to rent Fight Club b/c I've never seen it, and I have thing for Edward Norton. I didn't want to spend any money because I am incredibly poor right now. And I didn't want to drink b/c I had work today at 8:30. But no...an innocent gathering at Warren's turned into a drinking game that lead to me spilling alcohol on the table where my BLACKBERRY was sitting...and now it's broken. Yup...I'm without means of communication. If you don't have a berry, then you won't understand...but I NEED my phone. So now I'm hungover at work, when I didn't want to be. I'm $150 poorer, if that's even possible b/c I don't even have $150 to replace my phone. And now I'm a firm believer that karma exsists...and things seem to happen to me 3x worse than they would for anyone else.

I have so much bad karma I need to make up for. =(

Also, I must include that since I was drunk last night, and pissed off about my phone I was out in the drive-way with Faith while she listened to me vent to God about all my bad luck and how I deserved a break b/c I've been through so much latley. I now realize that the big J.C. doesn't work that way so I apologize for my actions. (At least I was entertaining to Faith).

I miss my phone.

steeeaak!!

I had the best steak dinner at the Keg with Kim and Elaine last night!! SOOO good!! And the best part about the whole thing is that it only cost me $17, all thanks to Elaine for getting me a gift cert for my birthday!! =) GAWD I love red meat!!!!

So...it's Easter Long weekend which means church bright and early tomorrow! I owe Jesus a visit, I haven't been to church in awhile. But it's not my fault, I'm always working!! But I'm sure He understands! =D
I hate when people say "You have to come out tonight because it's the biggest bar night of the year!" Cuz all that means is that it's the same as any other day except for the fact there are more people out, which means you have to stand in line a lot longer, it'll take longer to get a drink, and there's a bigger chance that you'll lose your friends in the crowd. BAH!! I couldn't be bothered!

Well, in the spirit of Easter I must wish everyone a HAPPY EASTER!!!! =)

I say: "Christos Anesti!"

and then you say: "Alithos Anesti!!"

Boooored.

I'm just going to ramble today...let's see how much time that takes up. This weekend was very eventful and so much fun!! Happy Birthday to both April (thanks for playing dress up on me!) and to Mike (I forgot how high you can jump!) who celebrated their birthdays at Republic on Friday. I actually had a very good time getting dressed up, and getting wasted with "all my single ladies" and then coming home to a house full of people who were all equally intoxicated. (You're only young once, right?) Saturday was Chris and Krista's wedding social, which was also very fun because lets face it, anywhere that serves alcohol for $2.50 is bound to be a good time! =) And it's ok that I lost Warren and Jonio at the end of the night and had to go home bymyself (kinda) because all in all it was a good night!

Umm..what else? I started Hot Yoga...and fuck it's hard!! But I actually really enjoy it, and look forward to going back. It feels nice to know that this is the beginning of my new years resolution!! =) Yeah, yeah, I know it's April..but hey, better late than never!!! And about the whole quitting smoking...slowly but surely it's happening. I haven't bought a pack for almost a week, and survived alll weekend (drunk and everything) so I think I'm doing pretty good.

I close today with all the random facts/stories I can think of about Kim:

1. I rate her potato salad an 8. I don't have it very often to be able to give it a perfect score. But it's up there.

2. She doesn't like the world MOIST.

3. She likes mushy fries, like me.

4. She is her own worst enemy. (teehee)

5. She once threw a FIT in high school because her dad didn't bring home spanish bread like she wanted.

6. She cooks for an audience that only she can see.

7. She could have been a hand and foot model...if it weren't for somebody's dog!!

8. R2R 1A1

9. She used to have really long hair with blond streaks in them. It was the most "asian" she's ever been.

10. Indecisive.

11. Elaine is the only one who can sit next to her at the movies because she askes too many questions.

12. She has recently grown out of her fear of someone throwing rocks at her window...she no longer hits the deck anytime this may happen.

13. Once she went through a "stuffing" phase, and ate it every chance she got. That's how I figured out that Stove Top stuffing is amazing!!

14. I refered her to my orthodontist when she first got braces and she got a brand new electric toothbrush for becoming a new patient. I didn't get anything for actually referring her. I think I will always be sour towards her because of it. LoL.

15. Once when she was little she chased a cat in her back yard, picked it up by it's tail, spun around and then let go, causing the cat to land on the other side of her yard. I'm unclear if she tried to pick up the cat and do it again..but I'm also unclear as to why she would do this in the first place. :s

16. Denny's was our first job. Ohh the memories. =)

17. She's taught me that a vanilla latte from Starbucks and a caramel macchiatto is the same thing except one has caramel drizzled on top.

19. Once when we were both in school (me at U of W and her at U of M) we texted each other at 8am saying we didn't want to go to class. I was already in the parking lot...I had paid for parking already but was still sitting in my car, and she was alllll the way down on route 90 heading to class. But then at the last minute I backed out of my parking spot and she pulled a U-turn and we met up for breakfast at The Original Pancake House instead of going to class. It was great breakfast!! =)

20. She suffers from O.C.S.

21. I've known Kim since I was 15, and she still rushes into the bathroom before I have to use it to make sure it's tidy.

22. She developed a crush on Adrian Brody when she saw that Piano...a phenomenon I still don't understand. (I mean...his nose!!!)

23. If I tell her a sweater or a pair of pants are ugly, she'll buy them.

24....to be continued...

I can't think of anymore things that I know about you, Kim. I know theres more...but it's getting harder and harder to think.

*sigh* this is how bored I am at work. BLAH!!!