..

Ok universe, it's me again!

I'm working my ass off, and most days are good days and I'm super grateful....but I need tomorrow to be good. I need it to be great actually...soo, if you could look into all the good karma I've been building up...I know my bad karma outweighs the good...but I could use an extra bit of the good stuff in the next few weeks.

Thanks so much!

-Jayne

spring

Another birthday has come and gone. I'm 26! How fucking gross is that?!
What can I say about this past year. It definitely had it's downs...and in the past few months it seemed like all I ever was was down, and never up. I think it has something to do with the seasons and all the darkness in the winter. Winter depression? Is there such a thing? Anyways..25 was a fairly good year. I'm still single and still at a job I hate most days. But I've taken steps to be better, and overall I'm happy.
I'm really excited for summer. Last summer set the bar pretty high, but I still have high hopes. :)

I don't really have anything on my mind right now that's worth sharing. I've been having so many thoughts about life and being in your twenty's and how it's not nearly as fun as I thought it'd be. Like forreal..being an adult sucks.
But in times of trouble, or doubt, or wonder I can't help but put pen to paper. So, today is my piece. Blahhhhh

hmmm

You know how ppl who have near death experiences say "my whole life flashed before my eyes"? But it's not reallyyy their whole life...it's probably just the important parts. The moments in your life that define you. The ones that had the most impact.
But what about those other moments? The ones that you let pass by. The moments you wished you seized but never did.

Ever think...after you die, you get to look back at those moments? The "what if" moments. Do you think you can get a replay of those moments and see what happens if you chose differently. If you had stayed instead of left? Said what you wanted to say, instead of what you did. If you had taken the one job instead of the other? Just to see..this is what your life could have been.

snowdays

This is the first year where I'm actually excited that my birthday is in the winter since I've now discovered snowboarding.
March 6th, boarding at Frostfire! So excited!

Things are looking up. I'm happy because I've realized I've got good people in my life to help. All I need to do is ask. I dunno why, but I've stopped asking.

It's the day after valentine's day...going on a lunch date.

=)

See ya!

scotomo

I went snow boarding for the first time on saturday. It was sooo fun! I can't wait to go again. But my body aches all over! This is what I get for not being more active. Faith says that for my first time I did surprisingly well and that maybe after alll these years of being lazy I've found my calling! Hahaha

I'm currently waiting at the doctors office. I hate it here. It smells like old people and I'm always so paranoid about germs.

I keep thinking of what I wanna do with my life and how to just be happy, b/c I've been kind of down a little..I keep fantasizing about picking up my life and moving away.

I have a destination in mind..baby steps tho, right??? Gotta crawl before you can walk.

Blahhhh!!

the first two days are always the worst

Kim left for Calgary for work for a few days...it was a BITCH and yet an adventure walking to and from the parkade at the new airport.
But mmmm..Harvey's made up for it!
Parking was $7.75, tho! So I think her friendship fee will be due early this year. LOL

Today (technically it's yesterday) I had the day off, I did laundy-6 loads, including towels, bed sheets, and some of Jam's clothes.
I hung out with my lady friends, gave myself a mani/pedi, I got high and caught up with Janely and someone, and had a discussion about how much it sucks being a grown up with Faith...BUT my big accomplishment is that I cleaned AND rearranged my room! I like it. I feel like my room has good energy. :) maybe that'll mean good dreams and a better sex life! Haha.

Lastly..here's my question: why do people write a blog? Some people write blogs and get PAID! Like...it's there job! Others...????
I imagine I'm an old lady reading allll my pervious blog entries, and journals saying stuff like "wow, jayne! What the hell was your problem!?" Hahaha

turtles, turtles, rah rah rah!

I got in a huge fight with my mother last night

She made me cry

I haven't cried in a while.
I used to cry all the time: movies, Grey's Anatomy, those war child commercials...you name it, and I would well up!

She really made me cry.

I hated it.

curious

I've been experiencing a lot of psychic moments lately.

Or deja vu

Or dreams that don't feel like dreams

Interesting

baby boy you stay on my mind

I have had Beyonce's Baby Boy song stuck in my head for daysss now! I dunno how to get rid of it. I tried dl it and putting it on my phone so I can listen to it all the time til I'm tired of it, but it hasn't happened yet. If anything it's gotten more and more catchey. DAMN YOU, SEAN PAUL!

*sigh...I really really need a new job. I'm so unmotivated. I dunno what to do? Leave this company that's been pretty good to me? Or stick with it and start to really consider moving away from my home. Toronto is such a busy city, with a night life I know I'll appreciate....but Victoria has the best weed in the country. Decisions, decisions.

I cut my hair.
It's fairly short.
I like it :)

It's almost Valentine's day. I can tell b/c everytime I walk through the mall to go to work I see hearts, and candy, and chocolates, and cards that say 'I love you' or stuffed animals that says stupid shit like 'I heart you THIS much'. And it's stupid arms are outstretched as far as they can go with a gay ass heart in the middle.
I normally don't hate on Valentine's day. Usually b/c I've always had someone to share the day with. Whether it be a boyfriend or a friend. One year, Winston and I were each others Valentine. We went for dinner at Royal Fork buffet..it was great! :)
I think I'm hating on it this year b/c I'm really lonely. I miss the perks of having someone. But I still haven't met anyone worth letting them into the crazy world of Jayne, and to be honest I'm too lazy and too caught up in myself and making myself better that I don't even wanna look.

Faith finally told her parents that the wedding is postponed...I was really lookinf forward to her wedding. :( especially Vegas! But, everything happens for a reason and I'm sure when next year rolls around and they do get married it'll all make sense as to why it happend the way it did. Hopefully we'll use the wedding weekend and go away for a bit.

Ok...I'm gonna end off today's rant and mention the only boy who has really made me smile. Brad :). Oh, my high school boyfriend. Brad never fails to make me laugh and smile. I wonder why he doesn't have a gf? Anyways....I'm sooo crushing on him all over again, and I'm in the process of working up the nerve to ask him on a date! I mean, Brad and I have stayed very good friends, and we occassionaly hang out and talk often, however I don't REALLY know anything about him anymore. How come he's not dating? Is he interested in anyone? What made him want to go back to school? I feel like I'm 15 again! Hahaha..anyways, I just wanted to share that. He cheeses me out and it's nice.

Toot-tula fruit!!!!

day 3

I joined Farmville. If you don't know what that is, it's only the BEST thing on facebook since commenting on ppl's statuses!!! I sat infront of the computer for practically 3 hours last night making my farm all pretty and harvesting my crops. It may sound gay but I can't help it. It's addicting.

I'm unsure about this year so far..I'm very skeptical. I'd hate to think that a few days and an uneasy feeling is really going to predict how the rest of my year is going to turn out..it's all on me right? I'm gonna end with my horoscope today cuz it really made me stop and think:

You're not at it again, are you Pisces? Have you been wallowing in dreamy, impractical fantasies that are sure to get you nowhere fast? If you haven't yet learned your lesson from mistakes made in 2009, you need to do some serious soul searching now. You have an opportunity this year to right a lot of wrongs, erase a lot of damaging errors, and basically start over again with a clean slate. But if you go back to your old ways, you're going to meet with the same trials and tribulations all over again. Be smart. It's time to turn your luck around.

--this is totally me! I'm always telling myself I need to snap out of my daydream, or to reel it in, Jayne.

p.s. On a similar note: Faith and I got super baked a few days ago and upon getting high discovered that Faith is pyschic! FORREAL! She can predict the future! LOL...how I love her and her crazy ways!

fading..

I feel like time is moving by so quickly..and yet at an incredibly slow pace.

I'm not young enough to be careless with the decisions I make with my life but I'm not old enough to REALLY start caring.

I'm just at a loss right now. I have so many questions about my life and what to do with my life, and where I'm going to be in the next few years, and where do I even WANT to be. What do I want for myself? Do I want a husband? What kind of career will I have? What kind of career do I want? Should I go back to school? Can I even afford to go back to school? How come I'm not happy?

....

Even my blog has no real direction.
It's just entries and entries of non-sense!

goodbye 2009

December 31, 2009.

It is 3:40pm. I just spent the day doing last minute errands with the sister, picking out something to wear tonight, driving around dropping off tickets and blah blah blah. Now I'm at home, I ordered a pizza (large pep and mush, regular crust from Dominoes) and I'm about to get high, pop in a movie and veg out until it's time to ring in the new year.

Time to say goodbye to 2009.

I'm glad it's over. Did I accomplish everything that I wanted in '09? HELL NO! I'm still a smoker, I'm still at Money Mart, I'm still in square one.

However 2009 wasn't a complete disaster. It was actually not that bad now that I think of it.
I'm eager to enter the new year tho. I'm going to really really push myself to become a non-smoker. I truly hate this about myself and I realized it's been my new year's resolution to quit smoking for 3 years now!! I mean, how pathetic is that?! One of my other new years resolutions is to stop texting/pinning while I drive. It's so dangerous! And yet I can't help it! And the only other thing I can think of that I really want to improve about me, is to reach out and stay close to some of my friends (especially the girls, y'all know who you are).

I know I'm different, I know I rarely speak about myself and what's happening with me. I hide behind my new friends and what not because I'm more comfortable with the fact that no body really knows me anymore. Cuz I don't really know me anymore. But I'm figuring it out. I've been too long on my own now. Time to reconnect, let more people in. I preach it allll the time, but I rarely ever listen to my own advice.

You're only as strong as the people around you.

So..my pizza should be here soon. I'm very excited to ring in the new year (I wonder who I'll kiss at midnight..haha!) I think I'm even more excited to finally let this year and all it's baggage go, and enter into 2010 bigger, better and most importantly...happy.

p.s. I realized that I'm going to this party tonight with just Jonio. And.....I can't handle drunk Jonio bymyself. Especially since I'm not going to be myself...I'll be drunk Jayne. And sober Jayne can hardly control Jonio when he's wasted! The last time I was responsible to bring Jonio home he clotheslined HIMSELF with a low hanging tree branch. Ahh...tonight should be fun!

Drink responsibly!

Annoyed

I hate my neighbours upstairs.

I hate them! I don't know what they have up there, but it doesn't matter what time it is, they're stomping up around up there, or screaming, or dropping things and it's soooo annoying!!!

You know what else I can't stand about living here, in the winter you hear the wind whistling through the door and it can get really scary sometimes!
I can't wait til I move from this place.

I've been wondering when I'll be able to move away from my sister. When will the time come when we finally have to part? Will I branch off and buy a house of my own? Will I meet someone and maybe HE'LL have a place and then just leave her to fend for herself??? Where am I gonna be in 5 years?!...whoa..this blog just turned serious.

It's the end of another year...I don't think I'm ready to talk about 2009. Maybe next time.

Anyways, neighbours: sucks! Wind blowing through door: sucks!
The only comfort I have right now is the fact that my fridge is FULL of left overs. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, roast beef, pasta salad (I think I'm gonna have some right now, actually), chicken and pansit. Not to mention all the cookies and chocolates we have in the house. I LOVE Christmas!!

It's 4am

I can't sleep...turned on the computer, and now, here I am.

I don't know why I'm blogging. I have nothing important, or funny to tell.
I just can't seem to turn my brain off.

I wish I could sleep all the time, not do anything but sleep, eat and sleep some more.

I'm hungry. I think I'll make a sandwich.

Love.Sex.Pain

Ugh..BOYS! Need I say more?

I'm starting to get freaked out by the fact that I'm 25 and I have no idea where I'm going to be in 5 years. I mean, when I was young I always thought I'd be married and have children by now. Or at least have someone in my life who I can imagine havin babies with. Isn't it scary? How life turns out?? I wish I had someone back then to tell me how hard it is to be 20-something. Having no direction, no sense of purpose. And most importantly, I don't have anyone to answer to. For the most part I like that about my life right now. But it get's old....lonely. I mean, I've been in a "couple" before. And I'm good at it. It's nice to have someone to hold me accountable for my actions, and just to have someone who's always there. Telling me what's up, my hair is ugly today, there's a piece of food on your face, etc etc. hahaha...that probably sounds so retarded, but hey! that's the kinda stuff I miss the most about being in a relationship.

Anyways, what else is new with me?
I've started a Tuesday high night with some pals. We've only had two so far, and the first one was just random. I scored some dope bud on Monday for my sis' bday and I had to share it with some of my girlfriends. And well, that day turned into the first day we rolled and smoked a cross-joint. Or as we call it, a "T" joint....for Tuesdays! haha! And now we're going to upgrade to different ways to smoking bud. Next week, the bong! hahahaha...oh the single life? Does it get any better than this?? I think not! But..good times, these Tuesdays have been so far!

OH..and I guess I should mention what I've been mentioning to practically everyone I know...If you have any single friends that you think I may be interested in....SEND 'EM MY WAY!
*sigh...Jayne needs a winter boyfriend!

a look back

ahh...summer 2009. How I am going to miss you. =) I know a lot of people are complaining about how shitty our summer was, what with the rain, and the mosquitoes, and the rain, and the mosquitoes...oh and did I mention the rain? But to me..this summer was FULL of potential.
*sigh let's start at the beginning: Summer for me started in the end of April/beginning of May OR wedding social season! Those were the days where I was FINALLY coming out of my pathetic, depressing, sad excuse of a slump and it would be me and Jonio and Warren and Faith and we'd drink and drink and drink. THOSE were the days! It was the start of our six week run. I know what you're thinking, six weeks of drinking EVERY DAY sounds like a lot. But we had fun. (Oh did we ever have fun!) Then our drinking circle got bigger and we migrated outside where we could bbq and make bon fires and just be young and not care about work the next day or any of the responsiblities that real life has to offer.

Meh..in short..I did a lot of drinking this summer! =D But I also did a lot of growing. Growing up, but especially growing out of YOU! And even though I am bigger and better and stronger and happier where I am without you in my life...I will always look back on our time together AND our time apart with shame and sadness. I used to be a person who loved with thier whole heart, but you took that person from me. I am no longer that person. I did what I had to do to get to where I am right now and I make no apologies for any of it, but I will always look back and be saddend by the fact that I will never be able to feel for another person as completely as I used to feel b/c of what you took from me.

HOWEVER as cyncial and sadistic and angry and dark as I am now, there is still the blissfully happy, energenic, postive person that you see before you. And I can now look in the mirror and smile a REAL smile b/c I'm happy with the person staring back at me. PLUS, I have wonderfully funny and caring friends, I have a job that...I'm not going to say I LOVE, but that I'm reallly good at, it pays me fairly decent, I have good benefits, I enjoy all the people I work with, I have a great boss who adores me, and I have no fear of getting laid off like so many other people have suffered from in the recent history. And on top of all this I have a boy who makes me smile from time to time.

What else did I learn about myself this summer? Well, Kim says I'm "jaded". We had to look that up btw...and in a nutshell it means that I've seen it all, and experienced it all, and therefore have no real feelings about what relationships and life have to offer. Well, not that I don't have any REAAALL feelings but just that I'm indifferent about a lot of things now. Annnndddd I guess it's partly true. I mean, everything happens for a reason, what's done is done and there is no sense in dwelling on what might have been, or what could have happened if you were just a little more patient, or a little more understanding, or if things had gone this way instead of the way they actually did. The important thing, I've learned, is to realize your mistakes, learn from them, and move on. I can't stress that last part enough....MOOOOOVEEE ONNNNN. You only get one chance at this crazy game called Life, so make sure you make it count. And by making it count, I mean doing what's right by YOU. Who cares what everyone else may think about how you deal or cope with your shitty days (we alllll have them), and who cares about what society (0r your parents) may think about how you should live your life, or what you should do now that you're at a certain age, the bottom line..it's YOUR life. Nobody elses. Nobody is ever going to walk in your shoes, they're never going to know how it feels to live in your skin. God gave you shoes that fit YOU and only YOU, so don't ever let anyone dictate to you what makes you happy.

wow...listen to me go! hahaha

Ok, so it is now almost fall and in retrospect, the Jayne that I was a year ago compared to the Jayne I am now......I really have no words. Just to give a big shout out to the big guy upstairs who, even though I don't call on You as often as I should, this whole year has taught me that I need to have more faith in the plan you have for me. Cuz now that I look back, what was I so worked up about? Things have a way of working themselves out in the end. I just have to stay strong, keep breathing, keeping moving forward and eventually it'll happen.

The last thing that I learned this summer... as much as I believe that we were not put on this earth to live all those shitty days and all those hardships alone, I mean, I truly believe that it is in our human nature to find someone who we love and who loves us back and hopefully one day make a home and a family, etc etc. BUT...I have learned that at the end of the day...the only person I can really count on, is ME. B/c ME is the most important person in my life, and if I can't live with myself and my decisions, then who the heck can I expect anybody else to.

So...CHEERS to a wonderful summer! I'm going to miss you! But this great summer has given me high hopes for a great 2009 holiday season! (My favorite time of year!)

Look how happy I am.
Isn't it gross??

=)

oops!

I apologize for all my spelling and grammer mistakes with the previous blog but I'm at work and updating on my phone, which is a bit of a challenge.

=)

at work

It is no secret that I am not a morning person. I've been waking up early lately cuz of work and even I can tell how much it's affected my mood. Boo!!

This summer is turning out to be pretty good..besided the weather. Althought I must say how surprised I am how things have changed so fast. I don't know what it is..it's more of a feeling I have where things just aren't the same. I'm probably just being paranoid..but never the less, I still can't shake the feeling that she's still mad at me, and this is why we don't speak as often anymore. Or maybe it's cuz (even thought I already apologized) I still haven't forgiven myself).

Anyways, yesterday I want to see Harry Potter with my sis, Nando, Joshie, and Jonio. It was really good (long, but good). The movie didn't start on time, so we all got movie vouchers for a free movie! My sister and I are going to use them to see The Ugly Truth on Sunday. :) We have a date! Lol But that's not what I wanted to share about yesterday..so..my dad did an oil change for us on Saturday. My sis drove the car allll weeekend, and then started to notice that there was a funny noise coming from what sounded like the inside of the engine.t But the car was driving fine. I even called over Brad (who It ALWAYS run to when I have car troubles) and he said he didn't know what the sound was, and we'll have it checked out and in the mean time I can still drive it b/c it was driving fine besides the noise. Sooo..yesterday rolls around and on our way back from my aunts house after seeing the movie, my sister and I had to pull over on Sheppard cuz the noise was much much worse!! Wanna know what the problems was?? My dad REMOVED the front passenger wheel and didn't tighten the bolts when he put it back on. Thank God the wheel didn't fly off while we were driving..Shayne said we were extremely lucky since the wheel was practically falling off when he came to look at it. But seriously, dad? Why would you even remove the wheel if you're just changing the oil?!?! I'm just glad it didn't cost us anything to fix.

I'm sooo bored at work! I can't wait til this evening so I can get drunk!! I feel like this week was super long and I really need to unwind.

*sigh..Jayne needs a man people. A good man, preferably older..I'd go as old as 35..old guys are HOT! Who has a job that makes him happy, who can cook, who dresses well, and who has good morales. He also needs to be able to cook well, b/c let's face it the way to MY heart is through my stomach. And he should be funny, and sarcastic like myself. How come guys can't be like guys on tv? My sis and I were watching Grey's Anatomy last night which is where all of this day dreaming of my McDreamy is coming from.
Ok..that's enough rambling for one day. I guess I should do some work..ta-ta!!

Twas a grand weekend.

It's been awhile since I updated...I blog when I have nothing else to do, and lately life's been kinda busy...but yet still surprisinly boring. Anyways..I went camping this weekend to Rushing River out in Onatrio. I've never been before but FUCK it was a good time. Wins' bro Mikey and his fam are so funny! Especially the chidren. Madison actually yelled the phrase: "OH MY GOD! Where are all the guns?!" She was referring to water guns, but never the less...still pretty trippy. I cut my foot on the rocks tho, as we were thru the water and down onto the rapids (or where the river is rushing..hence the name: Rushing River...heh? heh? *nudges elbow*), I also: freaked out when I saw the HUGEST spider in my tent. One of the twins came over and consoled me. I ate hashbrowns deep fried in bacon fat that was so amazing!! I slipped and fell off the dock and into the water, I got dirty, WET underwear in the face b/c Winston is a bully and needed his revenge after the water fight. I got pushed into the water b/c Winston is a bully and needed his revegne AGAIN! I got attacked by a bug that almost made me fall in the fire pit! and..yeah! There were a lot of things that happened to me this weekend, and some of them aren't that pleasant...but it was still super fun and I can't wait to go next year!

My sister is now unemployed. She got laid off about a month ago. I thought it would make things harder at home cuz she tends to be more cranky when she has nothing else to do, but she's proving to be an excellent house-wife to me! hahahaha! Just Kidding! But it's been nice to come home and have everything clean and dinner almost ready. hahaha

I just read James Patterson's "Sunday's at Tiffanys". It was really interesting..but I'm still not quite sure if I like it that much. I need new reading material. OR a summer reading list! What should I start with?

Also, I've gotten so much sun in the past two weeks I look fucking ridiculous! I have ugly tan lines, and my face is dark, and my arms don't match and my nose is red...but as much as I complain I'm still happy cuz it's the price I pay for a good weekend. I don't want to downplay how funny I look right now, if you saw my tan lines you'd know. Today when we were at the beach and was wearing my bathing suite, it almost looked like I was wearing another bathing suit underneath because my skin is so uneven! haha

Did you know that this is the first Harry Potter movie where I haven't seen it opening day? I'm so ashamed!

OK...so I talked about my weekend, my sister, what I just finished reading, and now my tan lines, Harry Potter....what should I mention next?

hmmm...let's see. Lately I've been feeling a little down at myself with how I'm handling a certain situation...ooooorrrrrrr let's just say that my love life is too complicated. I liked when things were un-complicated. Where I was so blissfully un-aware and I only had to concentrate on me. I am annoyed at myself for not being the kind of person I want to be. The kind of person who doesn't really care about other peoples feelings. Ugh! But I'm not this kind of person, b/c I think that I will always put others peoples needs before my own which pleases everyone but me. I really wish I were the type to be selfish. BAH! I'm rambling b/c I don't really know what I want. I just know that I like being single. I don't think that I'm playing this "single card" as well as I play the "girlfriend card" but WHATEVS! Live and learn and try not to make the same mistakes twice.


ok..here's my secret of the day. I like to blog after I smoke up sometimes. When I re-read what I wrote I think "what the heck am I talking about?" and it makes for a good laugh.

ttfn!

Karma is no joke.

I'm not gonna say what I did to deserve this...but lets just say I told a little white lie, even though I knew it was wrong...I did it anyway for personal gain. Anyways...wanna know what happend to me yesterday? I had fully decided to spend Friday night indoors, I was going to rent Fight Club b/c I've never seen it, and I have thing for Edward Norton. I didn't want to spend any money because I am incredibly poor right now. And I didn't want to drink b/c I had work today at 8:30. But no...an innocent gathering at Warren's turned into a drinking game that lead to me spilling alcohol on the table where my BLACKBERRY was sitting...and now it's broken. Yup...I'm without means of communication. If you don't have a berry, then you won't understand...but I NEED my phone. So now I'm hungover at work, when I didn't want to be. I'm $150 poorer, if that's even possible b/c I don't even have $150 to replace my phone. And now I'm a firm believer that karma exsists...and things seem to happen to me 3x worse than they would for anyone else.

I have so much bad karma I need to make up for. =(

Also, I must include that since I was drunk last night, and pissed off about my phone I was out in the drive-way with Faith while she listened to me vent to God about all my bad luck and how I deserved a break b/c I've been through so much latley. I now realize that the big J.C. doesn't work that way so I apologize for my actions. (At least I was entertaining to Faith).

I miss my phone.