a look back

ahh...summer 2009. How I am going to miss you. =) I know a lot of people are complaining about how shitty our summer was, what with the rain, and the mosquitoes, and the rain, and the mosquitoes...oh and did I mention the rain? But to me..this summer was FULL of potential.
*sigh let's start at the beginning: Summer for me started in the end of April/beginning of May OR wedding social season! Those were the days where I was FINALLY coming out of my pathetic, depressing, sad excuse of a slump and it would be me and Jonio and Warren and Faith and we'd drink and drink and drink. THOSE were the days! It was the start of our six week run. I know what you're thinking, six weeks of drinking EVERY DAY sounds like a lot. But we had fun. (Oh did we ever have fun!) Then our drinking circle got bigger and we migrated outside where we could bbq and make bon fires and just be young and not care about work the next day or any of the responsiblities that real life has to offer.

Meh..in short..I did a lot of drinking this summer! =D But I also did a lot of growing. Growing up, but especially growing out of YOU! And even though I am bigger and better and stronger and happier where I am without you in my life...I will always look back on our time together AND our time apart with shame and sadness. I used to be a person who loved with thier whole heart, but you took that person from me. I am no longer that person. I did what I had to do to get to where I am right now and I make no apologies for any of it, but I will always look back and be saddend by the fact that I will never be able to feel for another person as completely as I used to feel b/c of what you took from me.

HOWEVER as cyncial and sadistic and angry and dark as I am now, there is still the blissfully happy, energenic, postive person that you see before you. And I can now look in the mirror and smile a REAL smile b/c I'm happy with the person staring back at me. PLUS, I have wonderfully funny and caring friends, I have a job that...I'm not going to say I LOVE, but that I'm reallly good at, it pays me fairly decent, I have good benefits, I enjoy all the people I work with, I have a great boss who adores me, and I have no fear of getting laid off like so many other people have suffered from in the recent history. And on top of all this I have a boy who makes me smile from time to time.

What else did I learn about myself this summer? Well, Kim says I'm "jaded". We had to look that up btw...and in a nutshell it means that I've seen it all, and experienced it all, and therefore have no real feelings about what relationships and life have to offer. Well, not that I don't have any REAAALL feelings but just that I'm indifferent about a lot of things now. Annnndddd I guess it's partly true. I mean, everything happens for a reason, what's done is done and there is no sense in dwelling on what might have been, or what could have happened if you were just a little more patient, or a little more understanding, or if things had gone this way instead of the way they actually did. The important thing, I've learned, is to realize your mistakes, learn from them, and move on. I can't stress that last part enough....MOOOOOVEEE ONNNNN. You only get one chance at this crazy game called Life, so make sure you make it count. And by making it count, I mean doing what's right by YOU. Who cares what everyone else may think about how you deal or cope with your shitty days (we alllll have them), and who cares about what society (0r your parents) may think about how you should live your life, or what you should do now that you're at a certain age, the bottom line..it's YOUR life. Nobody elses. Nobody is ever going to walk in your shoes, they're never going to know how it feels to live in your skin. God gave you shoes that fit YOU and only YOU, so don't ever let anyone dictate to you what makes you happy.

wow...listen to me go! hahaha

Ok, so it is now almost fall and in retrospect, the Jayne that I was a year ago compared to the Jayne I am now......I really have no words. Just to give a big shout out to the big guy upstairs who, even though I don't call on You as often as I should, this whole year has taught me that I need to have more faith in the plan you have for me. Cuz now that I look back, what was I so worked up about? Things have a way of working themselves out in the end. I just have to stay strong, keep breathing, keeping moving forward and eventually it'll happen.

The last thing that I learned this summer... as much as I believe that we were not put on this earth to live all those shitty days and all those hardships alone, I mean, I truly believe that it is in our human nature to find someone who we love and who loves us back and hopefully one day make a home and a family, etc etc. BUT...I have learned that at the end of the day...the only person I can really count on, is ME. B/c ME is the most important person in my life, and if I can't live with myself and my decisions, then who the heck can I expect anybody else to.

So...CHEERS to a wonderful summer! I'm going to miss you! But this great summer has given me high hopes for a great 2009 holiday season! (My favorite time of year!)

Look how happy I am.
Isn't it gross??

=)