A long, long time ago...

2008
Looking back, I had so many high hopes for 2008, as I'm sure everyone does in the beginnings of a brand new year. Finally being able to put away all the hardships of the previous year and just look forward.

If I only knew that 2008 would turn out to be one of the hardest years I've ever had to endure. And yet it was eye opening. I finally have come face to face with type of person that I've become. And I'm not happy.

In the fall and winter months of 2007 I was inexplainably lonely. I had great, great friends. My sister and I were (finally) moving out on our own after months of months apartment searching. I swear we probably saw some of the most horrible vacant apartments ever! We fell in love with one in particular. Off Corydon, walking distance to all the lounges. On the top floor, with the whole half of the floor to share with one neighbour. Hardwood floors, huge bedrooms, kitchen, DINING ROOM, living room, sunroom, deck....it was perfect!! We loved it, and still dream of living there one day. But we settled on the more reasonably priced apartment, at ground level (no stairs for us!) with parking, and in suite washer/dryer. There are parts of me that will look back on this time of my life and be so happy and amused by how much I hate living under people who stomp their feet wherever they go, or having the walls so thin that you can hear the neighbours radio at 8'o'clock on a Sunday morning!!! But it's my first home away from the one my parents built for my sister and me. The place that we could make our own. And I love it. I've made, and I hope to continue to make more happy memories in this apartment. So that years from now I can sit around with my friends and say things like "Remember the apartment on Leila when we used to....."

But I was lonely...and that's when I found solice in a guy that I thought would finally pull out of the gutter I had been living in. And in the brief moments in the beginning...where everything is new, and you can't get enough of eachother, I truly thought I had found that person. And it doesn't matter that you spent all day together...what's the harm in spending the evenings together too. When all we did was laugh, and get high and talk and just be together. I let you get me into the shows you loved, like Rome, and you got into Grey's Anatmoy...and we would spend those cold winter days inside...watching episodes after episodes of DVD's. We were so happy in the beginning.

This year...I vow to make sure that everything that I do is to better me. In whatever way that entails. 2009 has to be about becoming a better Jayne. Not because I've become so horrible, but because I no longer look at myself in the mirror and see the fun-loving person I used to. I'm going to become a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, better student, better employee....and better at whatever else I feel like I'm lagging.
I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm young enough to try and fix my mistakes before they become out of control...and old enough to know that you only get ONE chance at life. And there's no such thing as taking action without responsiblity. Some of the decisions that I've made for myself in this past year will be with me forever. And now is the time that I deal with all those decisions and move on.

This year...I'm going to live my life the way I feel will benefit me in the future. Instead of letting my life live me. There's no such thing as "playing it by ear" or "seeing where the road takes us". If you want things for yourself or for the people you love...strive for them. I truly believe I'll be a better, and happier person once I fully realize and understand what it is that I want for myself.

And so begins 2009. Wish me luck.

btw....today is DAY 1 of the non-smoking Jayne.