day 3

I joined Farmville. If you don't know what that is, it's only the BEST thing on facebook since commenting on ppl's statuses!!! I sat infront of the computer for practically 3 hours last night making my farm all pretty and harvesting my crops. It may sound gay but I can't help it. It's addicting.

I'm unsure about this year so far..I'm very skeptical. I'd hate to think that a few days and an uneasy feeling is really going to predict how the rest of my year is going to turn out..it's all on me right? I'm gonna end with my horoscope today cuz it really made me stop and think:

You're not at it again, are you Pisces? Have you been wallowing in dreamy, impractical fantasies that are sure to get you nowhere fast? If you haven't yet learned your lesson from mistakes made in 2009, you need to do some serious soul searching now. You have an opportunity this year to right a lot of wrongs, erase a lot of damaging errors, and basically start over again with a clean slate. But if you go back to your old ways, you're going to meet with the same trials and tribulations all over again. Be smart. It's time to turn your luck around.

--this is totally me! I'm always telling myself I need to snap out of my daydream, or to reel it in, Jayne.

p.s. On a similar note: Faith and I got super baked a few days ago and upon getting high discovered that Faith is pyschic! FORREAL! She can predict the future! LOL...how I love her and her crazy ways!

fading..

I feel like time is moving by so quickly..and yet at an incredibly slow pace.

I'm not young enough to be careless with the decisions I make with my life but I'm not old enough to REALLY start caring.

I'm just at a loss right now. I have so many questions about my life and what to do with my life, and where I'm going to be in the next few years, and where do I even WANT to be. What do I want for myself? Do I want a husband? What kind of career will I have? What kind of career do I want? Should I go back to school? Can I even afford to go back to school? How come I'm not happy?

....

Even my blog has no real direction.
It's just entries and entries of non-sense!

goodbye 2009

December 31, 2009.

It is 3:40pm. I just spent the day doing last minute errands with the sister, picking out something to wear tonight, driving around dropping off tickets and blah blah blah. Now I'm at home, I ordered a pizza (large pep and mush, regular crust from Dominoes) and I'm about to get high, pop in a movie and veg out until it's time to ring in the new year.

Time to say goodbye to 2009.

I'm glad it's over. Did I accomplish everything that I wanted in '09? HELL NO! I'm still a smoker, I'm still at Money Mart, I'm still in square one.

However 2009 wasn't a complete disaster. It was actually not that bad now that I think of it.
I'm eager to enter the new year tho. I'm going to really really push myself to become a non-smoker. I truly hate this about myself and I realized it's been my new year's resolution to quit smoking for 3 years now!! I mean, how pathetic is that?! One of my other new years resolutions is to stop texting/pinning while I drive. It's so dangerous! And yet I can't help it! And the only other thing I can think of that I really want to improve about me, is to reach out and stay close to some of my friends (especially the girls, y'all know who you are).

I know I'm different, I know I rarely speak about myself and what's happening with me. I hide behind my new friends and what not because I'm more comfortable with the fact that no body really knows me anymore. Cuz I don't really know me anymore. But I'm figuring it out. I've been too long on my own now. Time to reconnect, let more people in. I preach it allll the time, but I rarely ever listen to my own advice.

You're only as strong as the people around you.

So..my pizza should be here soon. I'm very excited to ring in the new year (I wonder who I'll kiss at midnight..haha!) I think I'm even more excited to finally let this year and all it's baggage go, and enter into 2010 bigger, better and most importantly...happy.

p.s. I realized that I'm going to this party tonight with just Jonio. And.....I can't handle drunk Jonio bymyself. Especially since I'm not going to be myself...I'll be drunk Jayne. And sober Jayne can hardly control Jonio when he's wasted! The last time I was responsible to bring Jonio home he clotheslined HIMSELF with a low hanging tree branch. Ahh...tonight should be fun!

Drink responsibly!

Annoyed

I hate my neighbours upstairs.

I hate them! I don't know what they have up there, but it doesn't matter what time it is, they're stomping up around up there, or screaming, or dropping things and it's soooo annoying!!!

You know what else I can't stand about living here, in the winter you hear the wind whistling through the door and it can get really scary sometimes!
I can't wait til I move from this place.

I've been wondering when I'll be able to move away from my sister. When will the time come when we finally have to part? Will I branch off and buy a house of my own? Will I meet someone and maybe HE'LL have a place and then just leave her to fend for herself??? Where am I gonna be in 5 years?!...whoa..this blog just turned serious.

It's the end of another year...I don't think I'm ready to talk about 2009. Maybe next time.

Anyways, neighbours: sucks! Wind blowing through door: sucks!
The only comfort I have right now is the fact that my fridge is FULL of left overs. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, roast beef, pasta salad (I think I'm gonna have some right now, actually), chicken and pansit. Not to mention all the cookies and chocolates we have in the house. I LOVE Christmas!!

It's 4am

I can't sleep...turned on the computer, and now, here I am.

I don't know why I'm blogging. I have nothing important, or funny to tell.
I just can't seem to turn my brain off.

I wish I could sleep all the time, not do anything but sleep, eat and sleep some more.

I'm hungry. I think I'll make a sandwich.

Love.Sex.Pain

Ugh..BOYS! Need I say more?

I'm starting to get freaked out by the fact that I'm 25 and I have no idea where I'm going to be in 5 years. I mean, when I was young I always thought I'd be married and have children by now. Or at least have someone in my life who I can imagine havin babies with. Isn't it scary? How life turns out?? I wish I had someone back then to tell me how hard it is to be 20-something. Having no direction, no sense of purpose. And most importantly, I don't have anyone to answer to. For the most part I like that about my life right now. But it get's old....lonely. I mean, I've been in a "couple" before. And I'm good at it. It's nice to have someone to hold me accountable for my actions, and just to have someone who's always there. Telling me what's up, my hair is ugly today, there's a piece of food on your face, etc etc. hahaha...that probably sounds so retarded, but hey! that's the kinda stuff I miss the most about being in a relationship.

Anyways, what else is new with me?
I've started a Tuesday high night with some pals. We've only had two so far, and the first one was just random. I scored some dope bud on Monday for my sis' bday and I had to share it with some of my girlfriends. And well, that day turned into the first day we rolled and smoked a cross-joint. Or as we call it, a "T" joint....for Tuesdays! haha! And now we're going to upgrade to different ways to smoking bud. Next week, the bong! hahahaha...oh the single life? Does it get any better than this?? I think not! But..good times, these Tuesdays have been so far!

OH..and I guess I should mention what I've been mentioning to practically everyone I know...If you have any single friends that you think I may be interested in....SEND 'EM MY WAY!
*sigh...Jayne needs a winter boyfriend!

a look back

ahh...summer 2009. How I am going to miss you. =) I know a lot of people are complaining about how shitty our summer was, what with the rain, and the mosquitoes, and the rain, and the mosquitoes...oh and did I mention the rain? But to me..this summer was FULL of potential.
*sigh let's start at the beginning: Summer for me started in the end of April/beginning of May OR wedding social season! Those were the days where I was FINALLY coming out of my pathetic, depressing, sad excuse of a slump and it would be me and Jonio and Warren and Faith and we'd drink and drink and drink. THOSE were the days! It was the start of our six week run. I know what you're thinking, six weeks of drinking EVERY DAY sounds like a lot. But we had fun. (Oh did we ever have fun!) Then our drinking circle got bigger and we migrated outside where we could bbq and make bon fires and just be young and not care about work the next day or any of the responsiblities that real life has to offer.

Meh..in short..I did a lot of drinking this summer! =D But I also did a lot of growing. Growing up, but especially growing out of YOU! And even though I am bigger and better and stronger and happier where I am without you in my life...I will always look back on our time together AND our time apart with shame and sadness. I used to be a person who loved with thier whole heart, but you took that person from me. I am no longer that person. I did what I had to do to get to where I am right now and I make no apologies for any of it, but I will always look back and be saddend by the fact that I will never be able to feel for another person as completely as I used to feel b/c of what you took from me.

HOWEVER as cyncial and sadistic and angry and dark as I am now, there is still the blissfully happy, energenic, postive person that you see before you. And I can now look in the mirror and smile a REAL smile b/c I'm happy with the person staring back at me. PLUS, I have wonderfully funny and caring friends, I have a job that...I'm not going to say I LOVE, but that I'm reallly good at, it pays me fairly decent, I have good benefits, I enjoy all the people I work with, I have a great boss who adores me, and I have no fear of getting laid off like so many other people have suffered from in the recent history. And on top of all this I have a boy who makes me smile from time to time.

What else did I learn about myself this summer? Well, Kim says I'm "jaded". We had to look that up btw...and in a nutshell it means that I've seen it all, and experienced it all, and therefore have no real feelings about what relationships and life have to offer. Well, not that I don't have any REAAALL feelings but just that I'm indifferent about a lot of things now. Annnndddd I guess it's partly true. I mean, everything happens for a reason, what's done is done and there is no sense in dwelling on what might have been, or what could have happened if you were just a little more patient, or a little more understanding, or if things had gone this way instead of the way they actually did. The important thing, I've learned, is to realize your mistakes, learn from them, and move on. I can't stress that last part enough....MOOOOOVEEE ONNNNN. You only get one chance at this crazy game called Life, so make sure you make it count. And by making it count, I mean doing what's right by YOU. Who cares what everyone else may think about how you deal or cope with your shitty days (we alllll have them), and who cares about what society (0r your parents) may think about how you should live your life, or what you should do now that you're at a certain age, the bottom line..it's YOUR life. Nobody elses. Nobody is ever going to walk in your shoes, they're never going to know how it feels to live in your skin. God gave you shoes that fit YOU and only YOU, so don't ever let anyone dictate to you what makes you happy.

wow...listen to me go! hahaha

Ok, so it is now almost fall and in retrospect, the Jayne that I was a year ago compared to the Jayne I am now......I really have no words. Just to give a big shout out to the big guy upstairs who, even though I don't call on You as often as I should, this whole year has taught me that I need to have more faith in the plan you have for me. Cuz now that I look back, what was I so worked up about? Things have a way of working themselves out in the end. I just have to stay strong, keep breathing, keeping moving forward and eventually it'll happen.

The last thing that I learned this summer... as much as I believe that we were not put on this earth to live all those shitty days and all those hardships alone, I mean, I truly believe that it is in our human nature to find someone who we love and who loves us back and hopefully one day make a home and a family, etc etc. BUT...I have learned that at the end of the day...the only person I can really count on, is ME. B/c ME is the most important person in my life, and if I can't live with myself and my decisions, then who the heck can I expect anybody else to.

So...CHEERS to a wonderful summer! I'm going to miss you! But this great summer has given me high hopes for a great 2009 holiday season! (My favorite time of year!)

Look how happy I am.
Isn't it gross??

=)